Harry Potter and the Order of the Phillies

After watching the Phillies close out the NLDS, I came to a scary epiphany.  And no, its not the Phillies’ dominant starting rotation.  It’s the fact that the Dark Lord has taken over MLB.

While most Muggles would have only noticed Cole Hamel’s brilliant CG shutout, I was horrifically entranced by the Philadelphia Left Fielder, Raul Ibanez.  Or should I say, LORD VOLDEMORT!!!!!  See image below (taken from: totallylookslike.com)

Now I haven’t been the first to notice that Raul is the spitting image of Riddle.  But besides the obvious resemblance, which, on its own, could be easily dismissed as a genetic coincidence (OR COULD IT?), there have been numerous other warning signs.    

1.)    He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named has spent the majority of the past decade in relative obscurity.  Rumor has it he was living in the forests of Albania (or playing for the Seattle Mariners, the distinction between the two is unclear, although I hear Albania is a little cheerier)

2.)    After winning the World Series (Tri Wizard Tournament) for the Phillies with a clutch Game 5 hit, the extraordinarily gifted, handsome, and ever popular Pat Burrell (Cedric Diggory) was quickly dispatched in order to allow for the resurrection of the Dark Lord’s career.  Were it not for Chase Utley and Twilight, teenage girls would still be crying.

I always thought he woud've been in Hufflepuff. 

3.)    The strange circumstances around Ibanez’s rise to prominence did not go unnoticed.  Last year bloggers accused Ibanez of cheating.  Raul vehemently denied any peformancing enhancing drug allegations shouting, “YOU DARE QUESTION THE DARK LORD?!”  One of Ibanez’s bats was later X-Rayed to examine if it was corked.  This test came back negative, although a Phoenix feather was found inside.

X-Ray Results

4.)  Being parseltongued, his batting average against the Arizona Diamondbacks is an impressive .360.  Not exactly proof, but the dark lord certainly wouldn't struggle against a serpentine team.

Accio Helmet!

5.)    This spring training, notorious death eater and werewolf, Fenrir Grayback has been recruited to play opposite You-Know-Who in right field, replacing Jayson Werth.  Don’t believe me? The Phillies’ right fielder has been incredibly streaky this year, with home run tears corresponding closely with the cycles of the moon.

Jayson Werth Before...

Jayson "Were"werth. 

6.)    Finally and most convincingly, this year, opposing teams have been “snake bitten” at the plate against the Phillies.  While some attribute this inability to hit to the powerful starting rotation of Halladay, Oswalt and Hamels, Raul has often been seen muttering into his glove during opposing teams’ at bats

Roy Halladay during his no-hitter. Note Raul Ibanez in the background.

I implore you to see reason!  The evidence of the Dark Lord's return is incontrovertible!

While it remains unclear why the Dark Lord has turned his powers towards baseball, one thing is clear.  It’ll take some strong magic to beat the Phillies this post season.