Recently, I was defriended by an ex on facebook. Besides the superficial blow to my friend count, this really hurt. It's not like I pine for her to come across my newsfeed to break the monotony of farmville. It was more the blow that she would want to cut me out of her life. So after getting mad at myself for even caring as much as I did about a website, I began thinking about how integral a part of our relationships facebook is.
When starting a relationship facebook is the best wingman (apologies go to my college roommate Dave, who is a very close second). Maybe that's why facebook has used to the Top Gun quotes so many times themselves (those older users will remember the quotation "Too close for missiles, I'm switching for guns" on error pages); to subconsciously remind us that they are the Tom Cruise of social networks.
Even the casual user doesn't feel like a stalker when they examine a potential hook up's profile. For starters a relationship status can save you time and money and tell you she has a boyfriend before she does abruptly after you bought her enough drinks. By looking at pictures, you can reassess how attractive you think she is. Everything else on their profile can give you great talking points and conversation starters (just as long as you find a good segway into it and don't make it too obvious that you got them from online).
However, how many relationships do you think facebook has ruined? I recently overheard my brother on the phone trying to calm a girl down by saying, "What? Baby, she wrote what? No, don't be ridiculous, she's just my cousin. Alright? Bye..." After jokingly asking him if that poor jealous girl knew that he meant kissing cousins, my brother laughed and remarked about how he was going to have to get rid of his facebook before these three girls found out about each other. In this case, I pray that Mark Zuckerberg gets the better of my brother, just so I have a front row view of the resulting spectacle. Yet, how many innocent people get into fights just because someone else writes something on their wall (and he signed it with a smiley face, you WHORE!)?
When I was a naive freshman, I signed in early on a Sunday to find that my soul mate (READ: high school girlfriend) was tagged in a compromising photo with another guy. I didn't acknowledge it, giving her the benefit of the doubt until I saw her detag herself immediately. Over the next couple of days, I began to notice a trend, and fueled by curiosity I began looking for more evidence that facebook had so easily provided. Well it turns out that I was getting cheated on. I don't blame facebook for ruining things, but it was a pretty shitty way to find out.
Lastly, maintaining a "good" facebook becomes vital to playing the field when you become single again. Its the twenty first century equivalent of a good pick up line. Let's examine the "photos of you" That picture of you trashed and cross eyed might be funny to your friends and the only vestige of what happened that night, but it certainly isn't going to make her think you're attractive. You best detag it. Sure you have a gym membership, a mirror, and a camera phone, but that doesn't constitute a photo album unless you're ok with being as shallow as an Asian swimming pool. What photo should be my profile picture? The one where I look ripped, or the one where I have a good smile, or...ahh fuck it, I'll just be my dog again.
With all these potential problems, I've considered deleting my facebook and going into cyber hermitage. Yet one thing has stopped me. The fact that I'm gonna need that wingman when I see that blonde with bombs walking around campus. Fuck me.
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